My writing is where I become most vulnerable. What I cannot communicate in words to others, I tend to communicate through writing. The truth is, I feel as if I have taken a lot of L’s lately. I feel like I have given my all only to come up short. I’ve opened my heart up to people who only misused it. I’ve listened to others vent to me and not even ask how I’m doing. I’ve vented to others in hopes they would just listen only to have them turn around and vent back to me. I have not permitted myself to be human. Every blow I take, I absorb it and keep going. On the outside, I keep it together, but sometimes the inside of me is in turmoil. Those blows have left bruises that I pretend I don’t have. I am surrounded by people and yet still feel alone. Sometimes I feel so lost and other times I feel forgotten.
Why suffer in silence when you don’t have to? I ask myself this all the time. Is it that I really don’t have someone to talk to, or is it that I won’t allow myself to be vulnerable out of fear. I have built and created walls to protect myself from experiencing the same hurts and pains. I have looked in the mirror and asked myself, is it me? I have made everything personal when, in reality, it is not.
I have unknowingly suffered from depression for years. I didn’t even recognize it because it did not manifest in the way I thought it should. I thought depression meant you did not want to live or you have suicidal thoughts, and although that may be the case, that is not always how it manifest. For me, it made me lethargic. I did not have any energy to do anything. All I wanted to do was lay in bed all day. I got up and did what I had to do because I had to do it. Then I realize most of my life I did what I had to do because I had to do it, and that is no way to live. I have allowed myself to become depleted. I have given all that I have and left no water in the well for me to drink.
In this process of me discovering myself, I realize that being alone isn’t good for anyone. It is not about having a significant other as much as it is about having someone who has your back. Someone who will carry you when you can’t carry yourself. Someone who will share their life support with you just so that you can breathe. If we are going to reign together, we should be able to suffer together too.
This may be one of the realest things I have ever written, definitely one of my most vulnerable pieces. I have lost in love, in friendship, and in life, but somehow have found the will to keep going. No one really knows how sensitive and emotional I am because I don’t allow them to see it. Truth is, I hurt too. Truth is, I just want to see everyone around me win. Truth is, I can’t take many more disappointments and another No. Truth is, I have found God in this valley. In my lowest point, as I look around, all I see is Him. I believe sometimes God allows us to get to these low places so that we know what it feels like before we overcome the mountain.
Depression can’t have me, and it won’t keep me down. Although my life isn’t what I may desire for it to be now, I am creating what I desire to see later. For everyone that left me or didn’t believe in me, it is okay because you can’t later reign with me when you didn’t have the capacity to suffer with me. To those who do listen to me and hurt when I hurt, thank you. My love runs deep, and I choose to continue to allow myself to be vulnerable and take a risk on loving someone again because I am ready to love someone and be loved again. I refuse to do this thing called life alone. I know that every low place is yet preparing me for the high places. I don’t have anything encouraging to say at the end of this but, This is me, Unfiltered!