Disclaimer: Get ready… It’s about to get real.
This is one of my most vulnerable posts ever, but I felt it is time to release it and let it go.
This post isn’t just about me, but it is also to you… The mother that has always desired to be a mother but hasn’t had biological children, the mother who miscarried, the one that dealt with abortion, the mother that experienced him having a baby on you, to the mother that can’t have children… this is to you.
On Mother’s Day we take a lot of time to celebrate mothers and pregnancy and all of these things, but sometimes we (the ones that have not, cannot, did not- but want to) get overlooked. We carry smiles but inwardly hurt inside and sometimes cry because of what we desire and don’t have.
For the past few years Mother’s Day has been hard for me, not because I lost my mother but because of what I felt I lost in being a mother. One thing I desire almost more than anything is to be a mother and I’m finally ready to tell just a piece of my story in the hopes that it will help and encourage you.
There is no pain like watching the very thing you desire be given to someone else. If divorce wasn’t enough, having a child on me was the ultimate dagger. The pain cut even deeper, because I felt life was taken from me and given to her. After 2 abortions I felt worthless and like I was nothing. I felt I had nothing to give and no one to give anything else to. The very thing I desired, I destroyed for the sake of everyone else and the fear of what I would face if I went through with it. For years I mourned Mother’s Day because all I could think about were the children I could have had but didn’t.
Once I was finally over that, I had to deal with the reality of the one I thought I would still have those children with, give that to someone else. I finally decided that it was time to be free. I no longer have to hide or be ashamed or embarrassed of my reality. All I can do with it is learn, heal, and grow from it.
To the mother that is overlooked, this is to you. I understand the desire, the hurt, the uncertainty, and all I can say is God knows too. It doesn’t matter what was done, what it looks like, or how it may feel, God is still a healer, and restorer, and a redeemer. He fills in the gaps and He comes in and makes us whole. In writing this, I feel like it has been the final piece to me becoming whole.
Mother, you no longer have to mourn what you did, what you lost, or even what he did. No, we can’t do it over or even get it back, but we can learn from it and allow it to bring us closer to a God who knows, sees, hears, and cares. Don’t think for one second He doesn’t understand. He does and holds you close and dear to His heart.
Mother… Be free… This one is TO YOU!!!