The tears watered the garden that I now find my rest in!
For the last 90 days or so I took time away from everything to just get in a place of healing. What I thought I was past and had healed from, I realized I hadn’t. I questioned God a lot and that fire I used to have for Him was dying. I was mastering the presentation on the outside that everything was okay, but I was rotting on the inside. Not just spiritually, but in my soul.
I really was not sure how long I needed to heal or even what it would look like, but I just knew I had to figure something out because I could not continue the way I was. I decided to get a consistent workout plan, eat differently, and start a new devotional. I disconnected from my blog, social media, my church, and a lot of friends. I just needed to get to a place where I could deal with me and close myself out to all the noise.
I began to deal with my pain and the source of it all. In another blog I will go through my journey of what I did and how I got to this place, but for now I want to focus on the reason I did it.
It was almost like I was sick and in need of a doctor before it became terminal. Many nights I cried out to God. There were many times I was hard on myself because I was not healed and over it all yet. The first thing I had to do was forgive myself and learn to love myself. I could no longer find ways to numb my pain or mask it, it was time to pull out the antiseptic and start disinfecting.
I had a book out and I was still doing things in my church, but I was still very damaged and it was almost like I finally got that reality check that I had to tend to my soul and until I did, I wasn’t going to be affective in ministry, in another relationship, or any good to myself.
I began to see me for the first time in 26 years. I began to see who God had really called me to be. It was like the tears I had cried was starting to produce a harvest and now instead of dirt and construction I could see the flowers, grass, and trees begin to bud. That is why I started this blog by saying “The tears watered the garden that I now find my rest in!” To think of where I was mentally and emotionally just a few months ago and where I am now, I am so grateful to God. Now when I say I am okay, I really am okay. I know who I am and know what I am created for. What I have been through was only creating a garden that not only I could find rest in, but other people can come and find rest in.
I want to encourage you to take time for you if you have to. Taking a few months to heal is nothing compared to living the rest of your life broken. It may feel unnecessary or like a setback, but in the end, you will be glad you did.
Just know that even the tears you cry, have purpose and meaning. God will truly use them to water the garden of your victory.
Rest & Heal.