Again, I thought many times about writing you a letter. You know I could always get my feelings out better in letters than in words. For I had written you many letters before knowing you didn’t like to read, but it was the best way I knew how to divulge my internal thoughts and feelings. I had many tell me this would be a good idea, but I just wasn’t ready. I was hurt by so many things that I couldn’t even stabilize how I really felt.
Now that I am in a stable place, I can write this to you. Was I hurt, yes! Hurt was more of an understatement. Broken would be a better word. It was like my life had been shattered. You know I like to have control of things and the moment you said what you did and were doing, I felt like I had completely lost control. I didn’t understand! Where did I go wrong? For a while I blamed myself. I thought if I hadn’t argued about that one thing or if I didn’t get snappy and say that, maybe you would still be here. Maybe I pushed you away and to do this. I can take responsibility for things I did and I can say forgive me.
Forgive me for always making you feel like you weren’t good enough. Forgive me for saying no to your suggestions and things you wanted to do. Forgive me for wanting to have too much control and being unable to let go. Forgive me for even the things I said and thoughts I thought out of anger. Forgive Me.
Now I realize that no this was NOT my fault and the things you did and went through stem way back further than before I got into the picture. Being able to see things that way has brought me to a place where now I can say I forgive you. I no longer harbor onto the words you said that cut me so deeply, the actions you made and the resultant embarrassment and harassment you created. I have been able to really release it and let it go.
When I think about it, maybe you were never really for me and that is okay. We had a good run while it lasted and if anything I can take away what used to be a great friendship. You have taught me many things and I believe you carried me as far as you could take me. There is a dream I shared with you long ago and you held my hand up to the top of the hill. I believe you got me to the top of that hill and it was time to just let it go. Thank you for what you did because without it, I may have never found me. It was this that caused me to blossom and bloom into the woman God had been telling me I could be this WHOLE time. I just couldn’t see it until now.
I pray that God too allows this to help you see you. My hope is that this too broke you open to realize things about yourself that maybe you didn’t realize you had hidden. I pray that this pushes you to become an amazing father and that you come to a place where you can truly love yourself and find your true love. I pray that God restores you and brings you back to a place of true covenant with him; that the love of the Father again makes you whole! Love still wins!