Many times I thought about writing a letter to you. I figured it could possibly be therapeutic for me, but I had my moments, in all honesty, where it would have just been petty. I was never sure of what I really wanted to say. Some days I wanted to say thank you and other days I wanted to tell you how much I hated you- your arrogance and ignorance. So many days I walked around angry about what you did to me; even those words you said to me as if you were the prize to be won. But today, none of that matters anymore. I finally reached a point where I can write a letter to you without hate, anger, or bitterness in my heart towards you.
I realize that this was not your fault and really had nothing to do with you and me. I apologize for my anger, hate, and bitterness towards you because all of that is now meaningless. I no longer sit and wonder about how y’all met or what you did or what was said. I no longer care. So many nights I cried thinking you had won the prize and took away the most valuable thing I had. I compared myself to you; trying to figure out if he thought you were prettier than me, better than me, or had more going for you than I. I could never reach a conclusion in my mind of what about you made him choose you over me, until now.
What is meant to be will be and we just weren’t meant to be. Maybe you got what you always wanted and dreamed of, but in the end I did too. Sometimes it is hard to understand why God allows certain things to happen, but eventually you can look back and see that it really was all God and it was all good.
If I could say anything to you it would be that I forgive you. Although you may have been the pawn used in this game of chess, it was not your fault and that is okay. Thank you for making the decision easier for me to let go. It hurt at first, but it ended up for the best. There are so many words I can say, but it no longer comes from a place of hurt and anger, but joy and peace. As the images of y’alls son came before my face it brought me back to that negative place, but then I realized that was me some 27 years ago and again it wasn’t his fault, he didn’t ask to be here or join in on this. I realized, God has a way of allowing beautiful things to come about even in the midst of destruction.
I pray that one day you can see who you are. You can see the woman that God has created and made you to be. That you realize you are fearfully and wonderfully made and that you too find rest and peace and comfort in areas you may feel hurt. My hope for you is that God gives you the strength to be the best mother you can be and you come to a real knowledge of who God is and wants to be in you, through you, and for you.